I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
