my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize