yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
