My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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