God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
