she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
