Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
