I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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