I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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