i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
