if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
