I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
