I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
