im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
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So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.