also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.