Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
