Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
