i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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