don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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