You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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