2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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