weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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