I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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