I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Randomize
