i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
