i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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