he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
