All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Someone signed my nipple.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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