I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
