I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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