he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he thought i was a dude.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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