I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
