I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
