the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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