Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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