I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Oh god it's open bar.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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