If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
