When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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