Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
