i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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