i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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