You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
