bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
