Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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