omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My cat gives me a boner
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
