i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
