life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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