It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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