I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
