yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
