Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
