She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
