Ambien. No doubt about it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?