Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
