Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
